Toxic Wife Detection

If there is one type of woman I utterly loathe, it's the toxic wife. She is capable of destruction on a nuclear scale within the family and deserves to be stripped of her designer everything, sent to live in a high-rise council flat in Dagenham and survive on benefits, without her children. She is as toxic to her poor offspring as she is to her husband as the only person she takes any interest in is herself.

Luckily, there are people out there who can identify the potentially toxic wife and any high-earning man who marries these days would be well-advised to check out his dearly beloved for toxic tendancies. The penality for getting it wrong is not just a messy divorce and heartache, but the loss of his hard-earned millions to a devious, soul-less female.

The Telegraph's Tara Winter Wilson is on a crusade to crush the power of the toxic wife for which she receives my full support. The parasitic blood-sucking female is an insult to womanhood and should be hounded out and shamed, not rewarded with wealth.

Here, then, from the professional, Susie Ambrose, of Seventy Thirty 'gold-digging vetting service' is what to look out for when trying to assess the toxicity of a woman:

HOW TO SPOT A TOXIC WIFE

1 Women who are secure in themselves and have a more developed emotional intelligence and personal depth do not feel the need to show off. Check whether or not she is festooned with 'designer' accessories. Listen carefully to what she says. How often does she name-drop?

2 On first acquaintance, she will want to find out if you're rich or not. If you find yourself discussing your assets within the first 10 minutes you know her agenda. She is not going to waste time on you if you don't have serious money.

3 She will flirt without first finding out if you're married or involved with someone else. She has no scruples about stealing another woman's man.

4 Even though she may have an impressive job, her main asset is sex. She will come on in a highly provocative manner, be wearing lots of make-up and revealing clothes. Potential toxic wives are extremely clever. Do not equate intelligence with emotional values and worth.

5 Often she will use the FSFM tactic (feel sorry for me). This will manifest itself on the second or third date. She wants to assess how generous you can be and will tell you how ''naïve" she is and how "misled'' by some nasty people she owes money to. As a chivalrous male, you get out your chequebook.

6 You must find out how motivated she is. Ask her what her future goals, dreams and aspirations are.

7 Toxic gold-diggers tend to target older men. And your level of physical attractiveness makes no difference. Do you genuinely wildly arouse her or is this all an act?

8 She will choose the most expensive item on the menu or the most expensive drink.

9 Men, who have been recently widowed or divorced are great prey. You are at your most vulnerable.

10 Before you marry, go on holiday together or spend at least some time co-habiting. Remember, if you make a mistake you will pay for it for the rest of your life.

Spread the word, guys. Do not be duped. Rout out the toxic woman and exit her from your life.

Wannabe a WAG?

I was reading this morning in the Telegraph that you don't have to be a footballer's wife or girlfriend to be a WAG. Panic-stricken, I asked myself if I could be prone to WAG-dom. Does it come upon you in the night, striking you unawares when you are at your weakest? The darkest hour is just before the dawn...

A quick run through my lifestyle - modest means, not much money (due to modest means), lack of lusting after impossible items (ditto), restrained shopping (ditto) and fewer than 20 pairs of shoes (including ski boots, moonboots and wellies) encouraged me somewhat. Still, what exactly are the danger signs?

Helpful as ever, the Telegraph laid out the signs to look for when identifying the inner WAG. As a public service, I will reproduce these to help spread the word, and respond with my answers to test my own propensity to WAG-dom.

Have you been wagged?

Yes - if you can answer in affirmative to three or more of the following: (eek... here goes!)

• Do you own a set of hair straighteners? My hair is already straight, so that's an easy one! I can't really straighten it any more than it is, and would I want to? No curlers or tongs either.

• Is there anything in your wardrobe from Dolce & Gabbana/Karen Millen? No (who's Karen Millen?)

• Do you own a velour tracksuit? No. My favourite tracksuit bottoms came from my university (in 1982) and were bottle green with snazzy white stripes down the outer side (à la Adidas). My ex-h hated them, so they got worn for painting and decorating only. What a waste! They were really flattering too!

• Have you ever had a French manicure? Nope, although I have had 2 normal manicures in my life; one just before I gave birth to my eldest and was for a posh dinner I had been invited to, and the day after went into labour. I was really smartly turned out for the occasion! (Makes a change!)

• Do you own any jewelled shoes? I have a pair of silver beaded M&S evening shoes bought in the sales two years ago for a tenner. Do they count?

• Have you ever owned, or wanted to own, a vanity case? I used to think a vanity case would spur me to spruce myself up a bit. Then my parents found one in a car boot sale and gave it to me. My good intentions lasted a week after which my makeup just found itself back in the bathroom again. It was way too much trouble to be organised. My vanity case then housed my extensive 'jewelry' collection and languished in the garage. A decade or so later I decided it was a total waste of space and sent it to the Secours Catholique (minus the 'jewelry').

• Do you own sheepskin boots - even fake Uggs? I don't; just wellies (blue).

• Do you wear a baseball cap? In the summer, yes, from time to time.

• Do you regularly use fake tan? No, don't need it here in the South of France *snicker*.

• Have you ever had a personal trainer? Now, let me think...

• Have you spent more than £300 on a bag? I haven't even spent remotely £300 on a bag. 50FF used to be my aim. Now it has to be a backpack bag. Frees the hands, see?

• Have you ever copied a celebrity's outfit (be honest now)? Yeah, right....

• Do you read Heat/Ok!/Hello!/Grazia magazine? Only in the dentist's.

• Have you ever had Botox? Just call me 'Wanda'...

• Have you had your teeth whitened? Only from plaque removal....

So, it looks like I'm warding off my inner WAG. I know it could strike at any moment, sending me hurtling into the nearest shop to spend £20,000 I haven't got on the latest must-have bag, or Manolos, or whatever. Actually I have a confession to make. I only heard of Manolo shoes in 2004 when I was chatting, as you do on the internet, with a guy in NYC. I think he thought I was rather parochial. Even my mother had heard of them! (Actually, my mother has always heard of things. She reads the Sunday papers from beginning to end, including the style magazines, but not the sport... and soaks it all up like a sponge.)

On second thoughts, I don't think I do have an inner WAG after all. Gosh, does that make me a S-WAG?! (Sans-WAG)