Bloody Marvellous British Women

As we've all had enough of hearing about perfect French women, lovely though many a few of them are, and navel gazing our faults, let's hear it now for bloody marvellous British women!

I thought I'd write a post in celebration of what British women do best. We may snack between meals and wince at the thought of a fag and black coffee as sole nourishment until a modest portion of lettuce and tomato at lunch time, but we're damned good at other stuff that doesn't mostly involve staying skinny.

As I thought you wouldn't believe me, or would think I was being unscientific if I just gave you my thoughts on the subject (not that it usually bothers me), I engaged with the Twittersphere and Facebook. I was agreeably surprised at the quality of the responses and the rather charming picture they painted of the bloody marvellous British woman.

 I got many responses suggesting British women are the first in line to party. Meena on FB wrote that we like to let our hair down and don't take ourselves too seriously. Louise at @HelpinFrance agreed: "I think we are more laid back and have a lot more fun", as did @WendyBoyrie - we "laugh and have a good time.....oh and laugh at ourselves....". I think the last is a particularly attractive trait and not often found 'elsewhere' (who said 'in France'? Come on, own up, this is not a Frog bashing blog, not this post anyway!). Sharon on FB agreed "We know how to have a joke and don't take ourselves too seriously".

Moving on, our culinary skills were mentioned. For Sarah @Piglet33, "we make a good pie and can always be relied on for a cuddle. We can also drink most nations under the table". Aww, I feel a bit teary. Anya, on FB declared that we make "Better birthday cakes? I hate those yoghurt cakes". I quite agree, Anya, fruit cake is tops! As is a nice Victoria sponge, with butter filling and icing, and what could possibly beat Christmas cake, eh? Nothing, that's what!

We even had a man who entered the fray. Graham @Greyadder said "well from my observations kind and patient" - very underestimated traits those. He also said that we "get a letter from the queen when [we] get to 100 and on every birthday after". Beat that!

Susie @WAPIFARASI added some spice to the debate "I think we might be better spankers", she said, basing her idea on an interview with Kiera Knightley. See? Fun fun fun, that's us Brits! Unfortunately other nationalities just don't get to hear about how marvellous we are because our marvellousness is not considered book worthy. 


Catharine @catsceats decided that what makes us bloody marvellous is how good we are at "making friends for starters!" Louise @HelpinFrance agreed "The mutual support from my British & Irish friends here in France is amazing. I don't think many French women have a network like that".


As for our parenting skills, Jacqueline on FB said "We also know that children need a decent bedtime. They shouldn't eat too many sweets and they should go to the dentist regularly." She added "We are also big enough to accept there are other ways of doing things other than those we were brought up with, some of which may be better. We are also brave enough to try them!" We are also brave with our clothes according to Meena, as we are "more individual in our dress sense...".

I then looked elsewhere on the internet for other pearls of wisdom. To be honest, I was not inundated with information. The only article of any relevance was one written by Toby Young for the Telegraph. Toby describes us as having 'natural diffidence' which is 'deeply attractive'. We also have charm which, as Evelyn Waugh once said 'is a quality that doesn’t exist outside the British Isles'. We possess 'understated confidence and sense of self'. He says that 'There’s something very reassuring about a quietly competent British woman. She may not be much of a showboater, but you know that once she’s set her mind on something there’ll be no swaying her from her course.'

Another characteristic you'll often find is an indifference to wealth and status, together with being straightforward and down to earth. I responded to Toby's article at the time with the comment:
"It's so refreshing to read an article not telling us how wonderful women of other nationalities are compared to British women who are fat, badly dressed scroungers and drunken sluts.We are always being vilified for not having French elegance, American polish, or Italian style and have to be instructed how to be something we're not. These articles are often written by women.

It takes a man to bring things back to earth and tell us that the external (polish, style, elegance) is much more appealing if it's accompanied by some common sense, humour and self-deprecation."

As I live abroad, one thing I've observed is our more natural way of being mothers and wives. We are not so role-conscious. Of course, some high-powered yummy mummies are, but they are not typical of the more laid back approach we generally take to being mothers and partners. There's no such thing as benign neglect in France, for example, or if there is, I've never seen it happening.

We prefer to be comfortably stylish rather than angular and sharp-edged, a look better suited to our larger Anglo-Saxon frames and natural tendencies towards soft curves.

We can be as much one of the lads as a good friend to women, with our fab sense of humour and enjoyment of the pub.

Let's face it, British women are bloody marvellous, but the grass is always greener on the other side of the Channel (/Atlantic) and it's well-known that people never appreciate to its full worth what they have near to hand. Looking over the water one sees differences; at a superficial view, one sees what is best about those differences and because they are exotic, it's easy to miss the not so good bits that are lying underneath. If other nations can refrain from comparing their womenfolk negatively to the women of other nations then I really think we can too. Starting with our own women, traitors to the sisterhood just out to make a supposedly easy buck, and the masochistic types who buy their books to beat themselves up with even more.

So let's say to the world STOP with the books telling us how crap we are, and STOP with the books telling us that the [insert nationality but especially the French] are perfect and so much better than us.

We are not and they are not. 

That is all.

British Women Slouch

In my last post I mentioned how sick I get of having the virtues of supposedly perfect French women rammed down my throat by British/American writers. I was discussing this with a friend over supper last Friday, and we wondered why British women 1) buy books that show them to be worse than everyone else; 2) never have books written about them which hold them up as paragons compared to another nation's women; 3) bond with each other by comparing how bad they are as women/mothers/wives.

If you have any thoughts on this, I'd love to hear about them. To start with, I never buy those books, mainly because I live in France, see French women every day and don't need to read about someone else's fantasy based on her own insecurities, and this is what it boils down to - insecurity. British women, I believe, are deeply insecure.

Before the swinging sixties British society was structured, women knew their place (even if they didn't like it) and if you were going to bring up your children according to society's rules you knew that they had to behave in a certain way, know certain things and respect authority. When the sixties threw out much of what society was based on - rules, social norms, respect for authority, a woman's place - anything became possible.

With anything becoming possible, out went the confidence of knowing how you functioned in relation to your social group. You could decide how to bring up your child, choosing the child-centred environment that was the latest trend, but what did that mean? How did it work with regard to feeding, discipline, playing, potty training, sleeping etc.? Before, new mothers used to ask their mothers, aunts, friends, grandmothers and refer to Dr Spock when faced with a child-rearing issue. There were traditional ways of bringing up children that were easy to pass on and understood by everyone for generations.

In the brave new world, the older generation couldn't help, and mostly looked on aghast. So saw the rise of kooky child-rearing books often written by childless gurus. Mothers became slaves to the system described in the book because they were unable to get help from anywhere else, and lacked the confidence to go it alone. Common sense was thrown out as being an unreliable indicator of what to do, and mothers embraced the writings of someone they'd never met who suggested their baby should be brought up according to a one-size-fits-all method.

Grandparents saw the failings of the child-centred approach (undisciplined, rude, disrespectful kids) and criticised their daughters for getting it wrong, suggesting that the old ways were better ("in my day..."). While pooh poohing the criticism, mothers absorbed it and felt the gnaw of insecurity question their proficiency as mothers.

I wonder if mothers in the fifties compared with their friends the slovenly state of their homes, their crap cooking, their laissez-aller attitudes, or their bad mother behaviour. Modern mothers wear (some of) these behaviours as badges of honour even if they don't really believe what they're saying. In the society of no common rules parenting, boasting about your way of doing things is the way to lose all your friends. Go onto Twitter and do a search on #BadMother and you'll see what I mean about this way of bonding (and then try looking up #GoodMother).

British women don't really believe they are bad mothers, but so as to make no one feel worse about themselves, they suggest that mothering is all too much sometimes (which it is). This means that standards can be lowered without invoking group disapproval. If they're all down at the slummy mummy bottom, there's no competition to be better or to strive to be elitist. Competitive Alpha mummies are awful; terrifying (successful) women seen as traitors to their sex. Slummy mummies seek to bond, not compete to be better even though they actually want the best for their children.

I suppose it puts something of a strain on British mothers, this non-competitive competition. No wonder they feel insecure!

They feel insecure as mothers, and also as women. Insecure women slouch; they make themselves look insignificant, invisible, unattractive. Or they might feel they are sticking two fingers up at conventions of femininity because they want to rebel. But it boils down to insecurity. So does much of why women get really fat once you take away medical reasons. "I'm unattractive and unlovable. Comfort eating helps me cope with myself." or "I'm fat so I'm unattractive and unlovable so there's no point depriving myself of my comfort food". It's often wrapped up in moral justification - "Don't judge me on my looks but on my personality and intelligence (so if I am fat and dress unattractively it shouldn't matter), and pass the biscuits".

The point is, when there are no simple social norms, the result is emotional chaos and the price of freedom from social norms is insecurity because no one knows if what they are doing is really the right thing to do or the best way to be.

French society, despite the social revolution of 1968, didn't go as far in destroying social norms as the swinging sixties did in Britain. French women (except the ones right at the bottom, and peasants who don't give a toss) know that they should keep themselves attractive and sexy, keep a clean house and cook well to keep their husband. If they are/do not, they know that their entourage will not be surprised if he strays. He might do it anyway, but people will probably suggest it's her fault; that she didn't maintain standards.

They know that their children should behave in a certain way and they know how to go about trying to ensure they do (as outlined by our Pam). They may get it wrong, but it's not for want of trying. French mothers feel more secure because of the pressure to conform which is still strong in France.

They also feel more secure as women because 'how to be a woman' in France is fairly simple and centres around keeping your husband. Read Caitlin Moran's book 'How to be a Woman' to see just how complicated it is being British and female.

The way to start throwing off the need to buy 'they are better than us' books, however, is to stop slouching. You are Woman, stand up straight and Roar!