Sunday, July 02, 2006

Losing Weight

Losing weight is not a huge issue with me, but I do have three very successful methods of doing it. They may not be the most recommended in terms of practicality, but boy, do they work efficiently.

The first is to go and live in Cairo as a student with no money. If you do not wish to dine on greasy falafel every day, and have not yet found the supermarket that sells frozen tubes of minced beef, you can resort to a diet of pomegranates which are grown locally and cost little. People pay thousands to receive such advice; I'm giving it to you for nothing, out of the goodness of my heart and a sentiment of philanthropy without money.

You can lose half a stone within a very short space of time and, while you might be a tad hungry and under-nourished, you'll be no different from a large percentage of the world's population.

The second is to go through a lead-up to divorce. The stress and anxiety will rid you of any desire to eat (unless you experience the opposite and stuff yourself for comfort) and your figure will be all the more svelte for it. You may have a drawn, haggered look about your face, but from the neck down you'll look fantastic.

The last quick-slim method is to get a mouth full of ulcers and ulcer-like inflammation under the tongue. This will be make it so painful to eat that you would choose Japanese water torture in preference to a bowl of cornflakes any day. Your daily calorie intake will plummet and your figure will reap the benefit. A good one just before summer.

You may be wondering how I can speak with such authority on the thorny issue of losing weight, in which case, I am happy to be able to tell you that I have anecdotal evidence for all three methods above as they apply to myself. Indeed, the third method is one I am suffering as I type, and have been for the last three days. Commiserate with me, if you will, for my affliction as there is nothing I like better than a nice meal outside on a balmy evening with a glass or two of wine. Such a pursuit, however, has become a parcours de combattant as I try to find a spot in my mouth that is not ulcered up in order to eat without excrutiating pain. My dinner conversation has dried up, too.

In a desperate attempt to find a solution, I googled mouth ulcers and came up with the Mouth Ulcers web site. There I read despondently that there is no known reason why people get them, and no known treatment that cures. You can only relieve the symptoms and wait until they decide to give up and go away.

Well, let's hope they go before I become a shadow of my former self.


  1. Oh goodness, how difficult. I'm sorry. There's something called Lysine which some people find effective, but maybe you've tried it already. Maybe a temporary Brit-only diet (Mother's Pride, Marmite, marmalade, etc.) will do the trick?

  2. Ouch..stress induced ulcers?

  3. Yes, stress-induced I think. I've never had them to this extent before though even though I've been way more stressed. Strange. They seem to be on the wane now though, so let's hope that's the end of them!

  4. Having tried one out of your three successful diets (not the mouth ulcer one thank goodness), I feel I should add another one. The Gastroentiritis diet. Not pleasant, but extrememly effective.

  5. V: you are right. I had forgotten that one. Not one I have suffered from too often, thank goodness.


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