Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Wannabe a WAG?

I was reading this morning in the Telegraph that you don't have to be a footballer's wife or girlfriend to be a WAG. Panic-stricken, I asked myself if I could be prone to WAG-dom. Does it come upon you in the night, striking you unawares when you are at your weakest? The darkest hour is just before the dawn...

A quick run through my lifestyle - modest means, not much money (due to modest means), lack of lusting after impossible items (ditto), restrained shopping (ditto) and fewer than 20 pairs of shoes (including ski boots, moonboots and wellies) encouraged me somewhat. Still, what exactly are the danger signs?

Helpful as ever, the Telegraph laid out the signs to look for when identifying the inner WAG. As a public service, I will reproduce these to help spread the word, and respond with my answers to test my own propensity to WAG-dom.

Have you been wagged?

Yes - if you can answer in affirmative to three or more of the following: (eek... here goes!)

• Do you own a set of hair straighteners? My hair is already straight, so that's an easy one! I can't really straighten it any more than it is, and would I want to? No curlers or tongs either.

• Is there anything in your wardrobe from Dolce & Gabbana/Karen Millen? No (who's Karen Millen?)

• Do you own a velour tracksuit? No. My favourite tracksuit bottoms came from my university (in 1982) and were bottle green with snazzy white stripes down the outer side (à la Adidas). My ex-h hated them, so they got worn for painting and decorating only. What a waste! They were really flattering too!

• Have you ever had a French manicure? Nope, although I have had 2 normal manicures in my life; one just before I gave birth to my eldest and was for a posh dinner I had been invited to, and the day after went into labour. I was really smartly turned out for the occasion! (Makes a change!)

• Do you own any jewelled shoes? I have a pair of silver beaded M&S evening shoes bought in the sales two years ago for a tenner. Do they count?

• Have you ever owned, or wanted to own, a vanity case? I used to think a vanity case would spur me to spruce myself up a bit. Then my parents found one in a car boot sale and gave it to me. My good intentions lasted a week after which my makeup just found itself back in the bathroom again. It was way too much trouble to be organised. My vanity case then housed my extensive 'jewelry' collection and languished in the garage. A decade or so later I decided it was a total waste of space and sent it to the Secours Catholique (minus the 'jewelry').

• Do you own sheepskin boots - even fake Uggs? I don't; just wellies (blue).

• Do you wear a baseball cap? In the summer, yes, from time to time.

• Do you regularly use fake tan? No, don't need it here in the South of France *snicker*.

• Have you ever had a personal trainer? Now, let me think...

• Have you spent more than £300 on a bag? I haven't even spent remotely £300 on a bag. 50FF used to be my aim. Now it has to be a backpack bag. Frees the hands, see?

• Have you ever copied a celebrity's outfit (be honest now)? Yeah, right....

• Do you read Heat/Ok!/Hello!/Grazia magazine? Only in the dentist's.

• Have you ever had Botox? Just call me 'Wanda'...

• Have you had your teeth whitened? Only from plaque removal....

So, it looks like I'm warding off my inner WAG. I know it could strike at any moment, sending me hurtling into the nearest shop to spend £20,000 I haven't got on the latest must-have bag, or Manolos, or whatever. Actually I have a confession to make. I only heard of Manolo shoes in 2004 when I was chatting, as you do on the internet, with a guy in NYC. I think he thought I was rather parochial. Even my mother had heard of them! (Actually, my mother has always heard of things. She reads the Sunday papers from beginning to end, including the style magazines, but not the sport... and soaks it all up like a sponge.)

On second thoughts, I don't think I do have an inner WAG after all. Gosh, does that make me a S-WAG?! (Sans-WAG)


  1. Yes, I read that article too. For ages, I didn't even know what a WAG was.

    I'm definitely WAG-challenged - I mean,how can a handbag be worth £300? I've never had a manicure in my life and my hair, like yours, can't get any straighter. And anyway, I don't know any footballers.

    So, S-WAGs Rule OK!

  2. GO S-WAGS!!!

    Maybe I should start a blog for anti-WAGS... What could it be called?
    "S-WAG and Proud"
    "S-WAG Watch"

    I'm not sure I'd get much celebrity endorsements however, hehe.

  3. Hooray - I'm not a WAG! But who would want to be? The only footballers I've ever heard of are Beckham, some awful chap and his girlfriend, Wayne Rooney, and Zidane! The only plus thing I will say for French football, from what I know of it, is that the WAGs are far more discrete than their English counterparts.

    This is perhaps not true, but as I don't read stuff like Hello and Voici, I'm afraid that I'm not really up to date or interested, for that matter, in their lives.

    My only grump is the truly shocking amounts of money they make...

    Never heard of Manolo shoes, and don't think I will google it - have heard of Jimmy Choo, though, but the world is very wide between hearing of them and buying a pair...I can just imagine myself here in the winter tottering around in a pair with a 12" heel in a metre of snow (not that I have ever owned a pair of shoes with a 12" heel, being a Very Tall Person!).

    So, can I be a member of the SWAG club, please?!

  4. Forgot to say - have you seen 'The Devil wears Prada'? Most amusing - and that is how fashion is made!

  5. No, I keep meaning to watch it though. It's on my list of films I want to see.

    Manolo Blahniks are in the same vein as Jimmy Choo shoes. Upwards of $500 the pair.

    One of the WAGS was in that fateful Big Brother houseful with Jade. She was a nasty piece of work too. Beauty is definitely only skin deep!

  6. Oh dear oh dear - Manolos I've had (I did say HAD), false tan too from time to time. Vanity case did have too Vuitton to boot - but a long time ago - with only three hits, can I be excused an not be considered as a wrinkled old Victoria Beckham?

    Some nice people used to buy nice things....then those others started choosing them to be seen instead of for their incredible sturdiness Vuitton for example. My grandpapa and his papa chose their trunks & baggage from there - for sturdiness, you can run over them with a tram and they resist...but then the Voici/Gala lot thought it was smart and you never dare use them again! PROMISE I AM NOT A WAG just an old lady with hard dying habits!

    I'ts like Hermes scarves I suppose, but especially saddles and stuff for your horse. If your saddle and harness came from Hermes they lasted all your life, and you left it to your kids too - who could probably leave it to theirs. Now its just "fashionitas" who dash into Hermes to buy bags & scarves - and they are a damn lot more than 300 euros!!!!!! But it's not to's now to show you can afford their indecent prices!

    In my generation a Kelly hand bag was for life.....

  7. Hi guys, loving your approach to the wags in this country. I work on the Trisha Goddard show and I am always looking for opinionated speakers to speak out against these gold diggers!Would you all be able to call me for a chat? Id love to hear your opinions and put them on a show as part of our audience. Call me on 01622 684487. Regards,
    Naomi Channell
    Audience Researcher

  8. Call for a chat? Me, opinionated? Us, even, opinionated?

    Who'd a thunk it?

    What do you think, ladies?


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