A quick run through my lifestyle - modest means, not much money (due to modest means), lack of lusting after impossible items (ditto), restrained shopping (ditto) and fewer than 20 pairs of shoes (including ski boots, moonboots and wellies) encouraged me somewhat. Still, what exactly are the danger signs?
Helpful as ever, the Telegraph laid out the signs to look for when identifying the inner WAG. As a public service, I will reproduce these to help spread the word, and respond with my answers to test my own propensity to WAG-dom.
Yes - if you can answer in affirmative to three or more of the following: (eek... here goes!)
• Do you own a set of hair straighteners? My hair is already straight, so that's an easy one! I can't really straighten it any more than it is, and would I want to? No curlers or tongs either.
• Is there anything in your wardrobe from Dolce & Gabbana/Karen Millen? No (who's Karen Millen?)
• Do you own a velour tracksuit? No. My favourite tracksuit bottoms came from my university (in 1982) and were bottle green with snazzy white stripes down the outer side (à la Adidas). My ex-h hated them, so they got worn for painting and decorating only. What a waste! They were really flattering too!
• Have you ever had a French manicure? Nope, although I have had 2 normal manicures in my life; one just before I gave birth to my eldest and was for a posh dinner I had been invited to, and the day after went into labour. I was really smartly turned out for the occasion! (Makes a change!)
• Do you own any jewelled shoes? I have a pair of silver beaded M&S evening shoes bought in the sales two years ago for a tenner. Do they count?
• Have you ever owned, or wanted to own, a vanity case? I used to think a vanity case would spur me to spruce myself up a bit. Then my parents found one in a car boot sale and gave it to me. My good intentions lasted a week after which my makeup just found itself back in the bathroom again. It was way too much trouble to be organised. My vanity case then housed my extensive 'jewelry' collection and languished in the garage. A decade or so later I decided it was a total waste of space and sent it to the Secours Catholique (minus the 'jewelry').
• Do you own sheepskin boots - even fake Uggs? I don't; just wellies (blue).
• Do you wear a baseball cap? In the summer, yes, from time to time.
• Do you regularly use fake tan? No, don't need it here in the South of France *snicker*.
• Have you ever had a personal trainer? Now, let me think...
• Have you spent more than £300 on a bag? I haven't even spent remotely £300 on a bag. 50FF used to be my aim. Now it has to be a backpack bag. Frees the hands, see?
• Have you ever copied a celebrity's outfit (be honest now)? Yeah, right....
• Do you read Heat/Ok!/Hello!/Grazia magazine? Only in the dentist's.
• Have you ever had Botox? Just call me 'Wanda'...
• Have you had your teeth whitened? Only from plaque removal....
So, it looks like I'm warding off my inner WAG. I know it could strike at any moment, sending me hurtling into the nearest shop to spend £20,000 I haven't got on the latest must-have bag, or Manolos, or whatever. Actually I have a confession to make. I only heard of Manolo shoes in 2004 when I was chatting, as you do on the internet, with a guy in NYC. I think he thought I was rather parochial. Even my mother had heard of them! (Actually, my mother has always heard of things. She reads the Sunday papers from beginning to end, including the style magazines, but not the sport... and soaks it all up like a sponge.)
On second thoughts, I don't think I do have an inner WAG after all. Gosh, does that make me a S-WAG?! (Sans-WAG)