Last Thursday was the summer opening of one of Carnon's beach restaurant clubs. I was invited, not because I'm a fidèle client, but thanks to Promo'Arts. I should have gone with Ng, but she is very poorly at the moment, so I went with my pals C&A who are great ones for clubbing. I would be too, but have had no one to go with. All my other pals are definitely not clubbers!
Unfortunately, on Wednesday I spent a merry time having an extended apero with C&A and got home somewhat the worse for wear. This meant I was a tad bleary-eyed the next day. I got through the day's work, rushed home to wait for my new mattress which didn't come (sound familiar?) and took my clothes down the road to get dressed.
The boys were being expertly looked after by the boy down the road who plays computer games with them and they have a great time being all guys together.
Being a bit out of sorts, I didn't properly reflect on my wardrobe and went out totally unsuitably dressed. My high shoes were lethal on the decking, and my dress kept behaving badly. I was thus ill at ease, and hungry.
I'm not used to this sort of evening. We had some torse-nu muscley guy walk around with a woman dressed as a leopard in an all-in-one leotard, on a chain. She was prowling about on her hands and knees getting patted... He looked as thick as smog. Just as well, I suppose... They were part of the entertainment.
When the buffet opened, you've never seen such a scene. Well, we have, at our Promo'Arts do's. People here fall on buffets like they haven't eaten in a week, stuff some of it into their handbags for later, and hog certain spots instead of moving round to let everyone else have a go. Sharp elbows and a ruthless streak are de rigueur if you aim to get a snippet to eat.
Our table was shared by a group of five over-50s who all came back with the sort of looks on their faces of people who've survived something. We all got quite matey swapping buffet horrors.
A little later, the entertainment continued in the way it had started. Two body-building types got up on a raised stage. They were sprayed gold, and had gold flaps front and back to cover their manhood. I thought they were warming up as they did some poses whilst holding what looked like a long pole with a candle at the end. As they carried on doing the poses, I deduced that that was it and felt a tad perplexed at this clubbing carry-on. C&A assured me that this was fairly standard for this type of event, but it would have been a lot raunchier had we been in Cap d'Agde. There they got me interested...
The buffet was being ransacked when two chicks dressed as lightly-clad angels (well, they had wings on their backs) started dancing/writhing first of all on the stage, and then on the buffet where they got more attention from the people trying to get at the food. They later turned up uncomfortably dressed in metallic bras and chastity belts over plastic/lycra trousers waving fire batons about. I know they were probably concentrating so as not to set either themselves or the audience on fire, but they didn't look as though their hearts were really in it. Had they been raunchier about the whole thing, it would have been wildly more entertaining. The male member of our little party, A, thought them a big turn-off.
Meanwhile, the rest of our table was getting merrier by the minute and we discovered that my neighbour was a Canadian lady who has a store in la Grande Motte selling up-market extra-sized lingerie. This was, naturally, a fascinating subject, and she told us that she has a number of shops and a new e-shop. I am not likely to be a customer however.
After the fireworks, the music started hotting up, from the previous series of very boring French songs from the 70's (for the benefit of the oldies), to some more recent techno-type stuff. By this time, however (gone midnight), we decided that it was time to go. I couldn't dance because of being wardrobely challenged, and A had had an early start to the day and was keen to sleep.
Next year, if there is a next year, I will make sure that 1) I don't have a piss-up the night before; 2) I dress suitably; and 3) take the next morning off work.
If I manage that, then maybe even the golden boys will look like they're having fun...