MiniMum

There's a girl who lives down our road who I can barely say 'hello' to. This is bad in France, as I'm sure you all know, where you get snippy bakers who pull you up tartly if you forget your manners even if your head is in the clouds, and ask for a baguette without introducing yourself formally, in triplicate.

Well, okay, I'm being facetious, but some do go a bit far on the snippy front if they've taken a dislike to you or they got out of bed the wrong side that morning, or haven't had enough caffeine injections or didn't get a good shag the night before...

This girl is the same age as my eldest and is a right little madam. Her mother is no better, it has to be said, and it's amazing to see genetics working so beautifully. They even look alike - the same bitchy face with snidey eyes.

I feel I should be adult about things though, and be able to say a breezy hello because she is just a kid, and one should set a good example. Trouble is though, I can't be arsed (another one to add to my list!).

When I ask my eldest why he is friends with her he says he isn't, she's just a 'friend of fortune' as it were because she lives opposite and it would be more of a pain not to be her sort-of-friend. Apparently she's quite keen on him, but he regards her as toxic and thus contaminated so refuses to touch her in any shape or form.

So she's jealous whenever she sees other 'couples' and goes into limpet mode sticking to him like glue. Don't I make her sound fun? She's also a manipulative little cow and a stirrer to boot, so really the less he sees of her the better.

One day she said to him, "Your mother doesn't like me, does she?" and he replied "No", which is fair enough. I think she told her mother because she now ignores me when I go past. I'm not sure our next fête de quartier will be quite as well-attended as the last!

I did actually warn my son that there are toxic females about, and that they should not be humoured or pandered to and he is quite within his rights to tell them to bog off if they get out of hand. He is quite a gentleman so this kind of goes against the grain, but there are limits, and some women do not deserve to be well-treated because they just abuse it and take advantage. She is one of those and I pity the poor bloke that gets landed with her, except he'll probably deserve her if that's the sort he goes for.

I'm relieved to know that my eldest certainly does not.

Toxic Wife Detection

If there is one type of woman I utterly loathe, it's the toxic wife. She is capable of destruction on a nuclear scale within the family and deserves to be stripped of her designer everything, sent to live in a high-rise council flat in Dagenham and survive on benefits, without her children. She is as toxic to her poor offspring as she is to her husband as the only person she takes any interest in is herself.

Luckily, there are people out there who can identify the potentially toxic wife and any high-earning man who marries these days would be well-advised to check out his dearly beloved for toxic tendancies. The penality for getting it wrong is not just a messy divorce and heartache, but the loss of his hard-earned millions to a devious, soul-less female.

The Telegraph's Tara Winter Wilson is on a crusade to crush the power of the toxic wife for which she receives my full support. The parasitic blood-sucking female is an insult to womanhood and should be hounded out and shamed, not rewarded with wealth.

Here, then, from the professional, Susie Ambrose, of Seventy Thirty 'gold-digging vetting service' is what to look out for when trying to assess the toxicity of a woman:

HOW TO SPOT A TOXIC WIFE

1 Women who are secure in themselves and have a more developed emotional intelligence and personal depth do not feel the need to show off. Check whether or not she is festooned with 'designer' accessories. Listen carefully to what she says. How often does she name-drop?

2 On first acquaintance, she will want to find out if you're rich or not. If you find yourself discussing your assets within the first 10 minutes you know her agenda. She is not going to waste time on you if you don't have serious money.

3 She will flirt without first finding out if you're married or involved with someone else. She has no scruples about stealing another woman's man.

4 Even though she may have an impressive job, her main asset is sex. She will come on in a highly provocative manner, be wearing lots of make-up and revealing clothes. Potential toxic wives are extremely clever. Do not equate intelligence with emotional values and worth.

5 Often she will use the FSFM tactic (feel sorry for me). This will manifest itself on the second or third date. She wants to assess how generous you can be and will tell you how ''naïve" she is and how "misled'' by some nasty people she owes money to. As a chivalrous male, you get out your chequebook.

6 You must find out how motivated she is. Ask her what her future goals, dreams and aspirations are.

7 Toxic gold-diggers tend to target older men. And your level of physical attractiveness makes no difference. Do you genuinely wildly arouse her or is this all an act?

8 She will choose the most expensive item on the menu or the most expensive drink.

9 Men, who have been recently widowed or divorced are great prey. You are at your most vulnerable.

10 Before you marry, go on holiday together or spend at least some time co-habiting. Remember, if you make a mistake you will pay for it for the rest of your life.

Spread the word, guys. Do not be duped. Rout out the toxic woman and exit her from your life.