Friday, March 02, 2007

Toxic Wife Detection

If there is one type of woman I utterly loathe, it's the toxic wife. She is capable of destruction on a nuclear scale within the family and deserves to be stripped of her designer everything, sent to live in a high-rise council flat in Dagenham and survive on benefits, without her children. She is as toxic to her poor offspring as she is to her husband as the only person she takes any interest in is herself.

Luckily, there are people out there who can identify the potentially toxic wife and any high-earning man who marries these days would be well-advised to check out his dearly beloved for toxic tendancies. The penality for getting it wrong is not just a messy divorce and heartache, but the loss of his hard-earned millions to a devious, soul-less female.

The Telegraph's Tara Winter Wilson is on a crusade to crush the power of the toxic wife for which she receives my full support. The parasitic blood-sucking female is an insult to womanhood and should be hounded out and shamed, not rewarded with wealth.

Here, then, from the professional, Susie Ambrose, of Seventy Thirty 'gold-digging vetting service' is what to look out for when trying to assess the toxicity of a woman:


1 Women who are secure in themselves and have a more developed emotional intelligence and personal depth do not feel the need to show off. Check whether or not she is festooned with 'designer' accessories. Listen carefully to what she says. How often does she name-drop?

2 On first acquaintance, she will want to find out if you're rich or not. If you find yourself discussing your assets within the first 10 minutes you know her agenda. She is not going to waste time on you if you don't have serious money.

3 She will flirt without first finding out if you're married or involved with someone else. She has no scruples about stealing another woman's man.

4 Even though she may have an impressive job, her main asset is sex. She will come on in a highly provocative manner, be wearing lots of make-up and revealing clothes. Potential toxic wives are extremely clever. Do not equate intelligence with emotional values and worth.

5 Often she will use the FSFM tactic (feel sorry for me). This will manifest itself on the second or third date. She wants to assess how generous you can be and will tell you how ''naïve" she is and how "misled'' by some nasty people she owes money to. As a chivalrous male, you get out your chequebook.

6 You must find out how motivated she is. Ask her what her future goals, dreams and aspirations are.

7 Toxic gold-diggers tend to target older men. And your level of physical attractiveness makes no difference. Do you genuinely wildly arouse her or is this all an act?

8 She will choose the most expensive item on the menu or the most expensive drink.

9 Men, who have been recently widowed or divorced are great prey. You are at your most vulnerable.

10 Before you marry, go on holiday together or spend at least some time co-habiting. Remember, if you make a mistake you will pay for it for the rest of your life.

Spread the word, guys. Do not be duped. Rout out the toxic woman and exit her from your life.


  1. A good little piece on class angst.

    Women with private means (and men)are not as obsessed with assests as you may believe.
    Inherited perfume brings a special memory.

  2. Reading the Telegraph this morning and their ongoing article about words/sentences their readers hate, I noticed that one person wrote in to say that they hated the use of 'angst'.

  3. I've not read the Telegraph article yet.
    But I'll pick it up, thanks.

  4. I noticed too that one person complained about parents with 2 kids using 'eldest' and 'youngest' instead of 'elder' and 'younger'.

    A strange thing to complain about especially if one wants to keep things short. I couldn't say 'my elder went to footie', I'd have to say 'my elder child went to footie' which is a bit cumbersome and would lead to an overuse of the word 'child'.

  5. I've noticed the use of "the child".
    It seems alien; an object, not a person.

  6. I have a solution for some toxic wives I know....locked gates, drawn volets, and hidden cars...........

    How is it that toxic wives never get thrown off for new nice and kind models - but that nice kind models get thrown away to be replaced by totally toxic unlivable badly behaved spendthrift bitchy ones?

    As Carrie Bradshaw would say, should we conclude that long life security and home forever is for only the toxic ones. The nice ladies get replaced when out of fashion, older or just worn out!

  7. How strange that someone who writes in under "Anonymous" should say: "It seems alien; an object, not a person".

    If, as I suspect, it's the same anonymous whose been leaving obscure and, of late, menacing comments on Salut and Cuckoos, then their words are an apt description of themselves.

    "Anonymous" may be OK in some circumstances for a one-off comment, but not as a permanent username.

    So what's your problem, Anonymous ? Why don't you choose yourself a proper pseudonym, and perhaps reveal a little more about yourself (sex, country etc etc)
    Are you indeed the same anonymous who's been making themselves unwelcome elsewhere ? If so, "toxic blogger" would seem a fair description.

  8. Most people don't want to refer to their child or husband by name and find an identifying noun that they like. There's one woman who refers to her husband as 'The Prat' on the blog 'My husband is a prat'...

  9. I refer to my children by their names on my blog, and at times I do refer to my son as 'The Child' or sometimes as 'The Changeling' - for indeed at the age of 15, that is what he is. For me it is a term of endearment - there are times I call him 'The Child' to his face, and he in turn calls me 'The Mother'.

    He has many other nicknames, too - where is the problem?

  10. Indeed, Louise!

    NG: I think it boils down to 'familiarity breeds contempt'. Being a good person is not enough if the partner is not likewise.

  11. Sad: sad to realise that loving and tenderness in french minds is "confondre bon....& con"......!!

    Nicknames though are fun. I suppose I would not want to name my nearly beloveds by their real names, but by nicknames, yes. They recognise themselves, and know that there is a nice little comment for them or about them!

    As for all the bunk about elder and eldest....phewwwwwww. We are living in a modern era so without being vulgar or grossier why not simplify to fit in with our epoque. Much more upset about lack of manners, than lack to exact vocabulary.

    It think that language evoluates - and although I would not like ut to get to the Rap/R&B stage, why not?

    I sound like Thackery when I talk, and my Daddy would not allow us to use contractions...even in speech....bit overdoing it, n'est pas?

    It's such a joy to read all the comments on your blog - if this goes on much longer I'll end up by speaking and spelling properly!

  12. The front door here accepts Anonymous comments.
    By way of seeing that option I feel comfortable in Sarah's welcome.

  13. Then you'd be well advised not to abuse it, Anonymous, or you will quickly wear out that welcome.

  14. I will no longer visit this blog with ColinB present.

  15. I should think that Sarah will be mightily pleased about that, anon.

  16. So where does that leave you, Anonymous, now that you are unable to post anonymously to either Salut or Cuckoos ?

    You now have no choice but to register with Blogger under a "proper" pseudonym. Not before time, some might say.

    I had, in fact, given up on personal blogs, but have taken a renewed interest since an Anonymous (probably yourself) mentioned me by name (CB/hippo), saying that I had lied about my location. It's precisely because of this kind of mischief-making, both from anonymice and others, that I am back here, imposing on Sarah's hospitality.

    But for as long as you are still around, Anonymouse/Anonymice, badmouthing people with your 'poison pen letters' then I won't be far away. And I don't suppose Sarah will mind if you scuttle off to find somewhere else to play.

    PS Glad to see that Louise has just nipped in ahead with the same sentiments.

  17. Who appointed colinb to the blog police? Much to fond of laying down the law and hearing himself talk.

  18. "Lacombe Lucien" : I have left a message for you on my own blog. You know your way there.

  19. One thing that surprises me is the absence in the media (at least, the bit of it that I encounter) of the devastating effect that the arrival of a step-parent can have on a family. It's all very well saying there has to be a bit of give-and-take on both sides, but sometimes there's just bad chemistry between people, not helped by a generational difference.

    I personally had a frightful experience with a stepmother who arrived when I was in my teens. To give just one example: she returned from a holiday with my Dad, found the electric iron wasn't working, said it was my fault, and said I would have to pay for a new one (from Saturday earnings - I was still at school). I refused, said I hadn't dropped it etc, so it was just old age. Her response ? She refused to talk to me for THREE WHOLE MONTHS, would you believe it ? Can you imagine what it was like, living in the samle house as someone who pretends you are not there - a NON-PERSON !

    Perhaps you will understand why I have posted this anonymously, Sarah !

    Toxic wives are bad enough. Toxic stepmothers are infinitely worse. You don't get to choose your stepmother, so there may be NO REDEEMING FEATURES!

  20. As most men, I am not that clever at picking the toxic female members of our species. Regrettfully we're even fascinated by them, until it's too late. But I have developed a rule of thumb which permits me to avoid most pitfalls.

    If it's carrying a British passport it's probably toxic.I don't know why that is, but it works well for me.

  21. Bundling a stepmother into "a toxic" may be someone's idea of description.
    There is the stepmother's side of the story to be written.
    It seems that the author still has the childs POV and has not moved on.
    The child beaten by the spoon, learns to use the spoon, unless the child grows into his/hers own human nature.

  22. I have a wicked stepmother too! But not as awful as that! I don't have to post anonymously as she knows I call her that, I even introduce her to friends as such and she laughs!

  23. I didn't build her into a toxic. She arrived with a huge chip on her shoulder, having been jilted at the altar, married on the rebound, as she put it, and having walked out on her own children not just once but twice, who had then to be put into a home.

    That's a snap judgement above, and hardly a charitable one, given that it's based on no knowledge of the facts. I simply wanted to introduce a related aspect of toxic wife, seen from a child's perspective. And yes, it still rankles, but that does not stop one from being a wiser, if sadder adult.

  24. All I can say is I've had stepmotherhood thrust upon me, which I embraced, offering my spare room to this female ado, a warm welcome and cosy family home.

    I now feel, 7 months later like I have a carbuncle in the house; a toxic cuckoo in the nest who is ruining everything I have worked very hard to create since my divorce. Toxicity can take many forms in fact. I'm lucky. I can rid my life, if it comes to it, of the toxic ado!

  25. Snap not intended. Uncharitable not intended.

    Her story needs to be added to yours. Which probably cannot be.
    (to be charitable to your step-mother )

    But you cannot speak of her as a toxic wife, as you are reiterating from childhood.
    But I do appreciate your dialogue with attempt to write of experiences.

  26. No, she was not a toxic wife to may old dad, far from it, so forget the bit about irredeemable features. I was simply trying to convey the intensity of my own teenage feelings at the time.

    Have you found Mr.Right yet, Ms "Second Anonymous"?

  27. It is a pleasure to read and write in Anonymous.

    Gender would be for your charity to avoid.
    Apple picking is coming into season.

    None the less I am a very lucky person, don't you be sad.


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