You're N'Ikea'd

Guess where I went this morning...

I'll give you a clue: my current favourite Sunday morning jaunt...

For anyone who guessed 'the dump', bravo, give yourself a peanut. This might make for a boring tale except that it was a tad more exciting than usual because it was shut. Yesterday was August 15 and a national holiday except that lots of shops were open, including Ikea... but it meant that the council dump guys had the weekend off.

And yet, people still had stuff to chuck out. They did not take the weekend off; they were tidying, clearing, decorating, gardening as furiously as ever, and accumulating rubbish. I am still vaguely enthused by my summer spring clean and had attacked the utility room resulting in two bags of rubbish plus other sundry crap. Where does it all come from?!

I have two dumps near me. I went to the nearest first and found it shut so I turned round and went to the other one. That one was shut too, but the fence is down in one spot so you can climb over a big stone quite easily and get in. This, of course, is Not Allowed, but who wants to hang on to smelly rubbish for a week?

There were three other cars when I arrived and the good citizens were calmly, quietly and lawlessly climbing over the big stone to chuck their rubbish in the right container. I did too, rather hoping that the police would not come screeching up the hill, sirens wailing, to arrest us for throwing rubbish in the right containers at the dump which just happened to be inconveniently closed.

My car empty, I scuttled off pleased that my efforts to clean up had not been thwarted by the law...

When you clean up, it's nice to award oneself with a little home improvement too. Having chucked out some old white plates, I wanted to replace them so decided that a little trip to Ikea was just the job. It was open yesterday - I checked on the internet before trekking over there - and not too busy.

I have a love/hate relationship with Ikea. Sometimes when I go there, I can't find what I want and storm through the place in a temper, ignore all the tempting stuff you never knew you needed and leave with empty hands. Yesterday was the opposite. I found exactly what I wanted and then thought of a nice list of other stuff I could do with too to make life easier and pleasanter.

By the time I'd finished, my trolley was encouragingly full of useful items, my budget was not blown, and I even got to use a self-service machine to beep it all through.

My utility room is now cleaner and more organised thanks to the containers I bought, and my living room smells lovely thanks to the candle tray I bought with trendy black sand to encourage me to use the smelly candles that were previously lurking at the back of a cupboard.

Streuth, I might even get to indulge myself in some gracious living by the end of the summer...!

Deccies Done

The deccies are finally up, the house is kind of clean, and I'm a buggered wreck. Here I am blogging with a massive mug of life-restoring tea (Yorkshire, natch).

The plan today was to go to Ikea to buy a tree - supposedly 20Eur including a 19Eur bon d'achat to spend in January. Cool, thought C&A and I. We'd go and have lunch in Ik, then buy the tree, plus bits... and then go to the Grande Bleu pool resort. Things didn't go quite according to plan (do they ever?).

We did have lunch in Ik which I enjoyed and the boys didn't really. My youngest immediately felt sick and didn't want to go swimming - not sure what brought that on, I just hope it wasn't a dodgy meatball. We dashed over to Decathlon (A fond la forme) to buy a cossie for my eldest who does insist on growing all the time, then went back to Ikea to buy the tree. Unfortunately there were only a few mankie, titchy ones remaining, so we gave that up as a bad job. I left my eldest to go swimming with C&A and went home via Botanic to get the tree (plus bits...).

My youngest and I then set about decorating it, plus the house, then tidying up at which point he lost interest, surprisingly. The tree looks fab with its lights twinkling, burdened down with all the baubles, tinsel and other bits and bobs. The creche is under the tree this year with its bizarrely painted figures done by the boys and myself a couple of years ago. My youngest was going through his psychedelic phase at the time.

If I had the energy, I'd run up some mince pies now, but I don't have a Magimix any more and the thought of making pastry by hand is a wee bit beyond my level of actual acceptable activity (AAA). My batteries have enough juice in them to make courgette soup, but definitely not for breadcrumbing, rolling and cutting pastry. My goodness me, no!

And I don't feel guilty about it either!

S-Ikea'd

My poor TWDB. By the time we had made our way around Ikea and paid, I was in a foul temper. Nothing to do with him though... kinda.

Effing Ikea it was, again. The last time I was in that wretched place I was looking at sofas and was so disgusted at the crap on offer that I think I vowed never to set foot in the place again. So much for promises. Still, I'm not sure I actually said it out loud to anyone, so with no witnesses, I can quietly overlook my treachery. You know what they say - The only person you can't fool is yourself - but who's trying?! I just convinced myself it was for the greater good (mine) and that was enough.

We went ostensibly for two things. One to look at kitchen hoods; and two to get a new duvet (gnashing of teeth). I then made a quick list of 53 other useful items I might as well get while I was there, as you do - kill as many fricken' birds with one stone. NG then called to give me a further 24, and her lodger another 1 (which happened to be a fully-fitted kitchen including appliances).

We got there 40 minutes before closing. Ooer, it was gonna be a rush job, and definitely no time for meat balls and rotting cabbage. First things first - the hood. That took all of 45 seconds. At that point we could have gone home, or out to dinner, or over to the caff for meatballs, but I really did need a duvet (you could always skin the cat and use that, suggested my suddenly not-so-TWDB).

So we made our way around the entire shop twice (well, once) and found the duvet section. By this time, some helpful member of staff was reminding us over the tannoy that Ikea would be closing in 30 minutes so we should be making our way to the exits, which instilled a panic-stricken grip within my heaving blood vessels (or arteries, take your pick) and, blinded, I could barely make out the mile-high signs indicating the degree of hotness of the duvets.

My restored-TWDB came to my rescue and reminded me we had acres of time to make a reasoned, informed, price-conscious decision within the allotted period. Too right it was going to be price-conscious. The most expensive duvets were well over 100 euro-nickers.

Naturally, I prefer feather duvets. They make a lovely scrunchy noise and spike you from time to time with escaping quills which remind you of the glorious natural product you sleep beneath all snugly and plumped up. Unfortunately, my TWDB advised me that he was a tad allergic and that a synthetic duvet would be more comfortable all round.

Boo hooo!! My only consolation was that the outer skin (as it were) made the same scrunchy noise as the feather duvet so, with my capacity to delude myself, I shouldn't have too much difficulty transforming synthetic whatever into feathery fronds in my head. I will be able to sleep, I will be able to sleep, I intoned to myself beneath my breath.

Good, only another 86 items on the list to go, and still 12 and a half minutes before closing. My next challenge was mugs. I must tell you, Ikea has the crappiest choice mugs outside, um, some cheapskate $1 dive (had to think about that one). They are too small and way too boring. Pour your morning tea into one without thinking, and you'd scald yourself assuming it was bigger than it was, and then you'd keel over with the sheer tedium of its colour and design.

I was ready, by this time, to throw in the towel and storm out of the shop empty-handed, but I really did need that duvet, so gritted my teeth and carried on. Saved by the end of the list, we made our way to the check-out where I was charged an exhorbitant sum for a collection of 'never knew I needed it 'til I walked past it in Ikea' items and stalked back to the car.

Really, I don't like going to Ikea. I hate the way they lure you to buy buy buy all sorts of must-have but don't-know-where-to-put-it goodies, with enticing prices that, when added up cause your credit-crunched card to wilt visibly and suggest you cut it in two.

My temper was only alleviated once sat in a rather nice restaurant, with kir in one hand, menu in t'other, TWDB opposite making silly comments about alcoholic dependence for stress relief. I really don't see what's wrong with that? I mean, it works!

Free for Foreigners

Today I lost another hour out of my life... and all because the lady loves Milktray... Well, not really, it's because I had not done any research as to the opening times of either the Montpellier Expo or Ikea, both of which opened at 10am where I had thought they opened at 9am.

First stop the Expo, and a dearth of vehicles in the carpark, and a notice which sent us off to Ikea. There, we waited from 9.15am, with a number of other hopeful Ikeaphiles listening to improving music on France Music. At nearly 10am, we went and found coffee being served which was exactly what we needed, thus alleviating the wait somewhat.

Our Ikea business done, including a reading lamp for my eldest so he can read before he goes to sleep - anything to get him reading... - and we head back to the Expo. By now the carpark is full and we have to park right at the back and have a long walk to the entrance. Great. My shoes are already killing me after yesterday's digging which bruised the ball of my left foot. I hobble through the carpark, pass row upon row of cars, and wonder what all these people are doing not at work. I have an excuse before you say anything. I have an American day off today (can't remember which one though...).

At the entrance kiosks there were queues of people waiting to pay to get in, but we foreigners toddled over to the left to the 'Etranger' and 'Groupe' kiosk, and got in for free because we showed our passports. One of the highlights of the week, that.

There was an Italian theme to the Expo this year, and so the exhibition halls were stuffed with Italian leather goods, kitchen equipment, and food. There was also a display of Ferraris which glowed reddly and expensively. I bought a couple of tee-shirts for the boys. Red, natch, and sold by the Lions Club, so in aid of a good cause; Children in Need, I think.

I made a bigger purchase, too.

I succumbed, finally.

Having looked on Ebay and elsewhere.

A digital piano. Definitely a bigger purchase. But a special Expo price including headphones, seat and delivery. It'll be fun, and I've just about got enough room... I used to play, and would like to play again, if only just messing about. My eldest likes picking out tunes on any available piano he comes across too, so he may decide to have a more serious go.

It's so nice to be able to decide all by myself what I can and cannot buy. Life can be sooo agreeable!

Ikea kicks

Round and round Ikea
De plus en plus perdu
One step, two step...
The EXIT! Thank God. Phew!

I've been doing the rounds in Ikea. Round and round and round and, where is that damned exit, anyway?! Eventually found it through Kidstuff, but got diverted via the café for a supper of herring bits and meatballs. Oh, I know how to live it up...!

I was after more bookshelves and one or two exciting bits, plus staking out the mezzanine beds for an imminent, adolescent (before anyone starts perking up about babes...!) addition to the household. I have tried to add a touch of elegant living to the Red House with atmospheric lamps - just a small start, but what with Ulysse and young boys, really, there's no point. It all just gets accidently broken, continually moved about, or so misplaced that I've given up. We'll just keep it simple from now on.

So, elegance being out, I went for useful herb shelves, a loo brush in red plastic and a long mirror. Woah, last of the big spenders eh?? Oh and one of those halogen light sets they have on wires, 3 for 9.90Eur - best bargain in the whole place. That's to light up my new painting, a stunning Rauscher-Kennedy which does a brilliant job enhancing the taste and classiness of my otherwise humble abode...

Made it out without bankrupting either myself or J, and realising that my Ikea card was completely useless. I thought it shaved 10% off the total. Huh, some hope! Needed a G&T to recover from all the excitement.

FYI, my herb pot shelves have cleared up a mucky corner beautifully.

Tonight they've forecast a tornado... so hold on to your hats!